One year ago today…

One year ago today marks the day that my life was changed in the most significant way ever. What happened on that day? I joined the Freedomain Radio (FDR) forums. It’s been nothing short of an exhilarating ride since then. I can best describe it as my soul tearing me along down the rabbit hole of philosophy.

Before I came to FDR I was into philosophy, but certainly not as personal as I have made it now. I was an Objectivist and had very strong political opinions as a result of that. Colleen had been reading articles on anarcho-capitalism. It was a taboo subject in Objectivist circles and I was nervous about exploring a subject that had been condemned by Ayn Rand as “Gang Rule.” Upon being presented the argument that any form of government violates the non-aggression principle I realized that Ayn Rand had made a horrible error. It took a couple days of discussing this with Colleen, and I quickly changed my position on the need for a government and watched as the rabbit hole ripped open in front of me.

I had watched a few of Stef’s videos on Youtube about 6 months before I accepted ancap ideas. I thought he was an Objectivist and found the videos to be enjoyable (but a little too long to hold my attention span at the time). Colleen reintroduced me to the videos and we started to watch video after video. I think the first one that really struck me were about how “Muslims are not your enemy.” Colleen had posted it to her Facebook and was still friends with a number of Objectivists. This video caused quite a few of them to leave caustic comments. I started to see what others had seen in Objectivism. I started to see the ugly side, the blind government and war-supporting side.

I started burning through Stef’s podcasts, but mostly the economic and philosophical ones. I pretty consciously avoided the psychological ones. I knew vaguely about how others on the forum were actively integrating philosophy into their lives, but I was not ready to accept that idea. I was just getting used to the idea of a stateless society. Colleen started to have a wrenching time after reading “On Truth” and I became very frightened by the effects it was having on her. She was questioning her friendships and most frighteningly of all, her relationship with her family. I read “On Truth” to try to figure out what was going on for her. At first, I had thoughts like, “Oh, I see how this applies to her but I don’t think it applies to me and my family and friends.” Colleen challenged my idealization of my family and I started to wonder if I could be wrong. I became increasingly nervous as the holidays grew closer. I still hadn’t heard any of the psychological podcasts and still was skeptical of how “On Truth” applied to my own life. I decided that I would bring up my new found ideas during my trip to see my parents for Christmas. I also decided to talk to them about my atheism and how I wanted to be able to be open with them about it. Before I left for the trip I decided to take a crack at the psychology podcasts and loaded up my MP3 player for the flight out. It was a fairly unconscious move on my part, I don’t remember what in particular moved me to finally listen to those. Now I know why. They prepared me for the most honest conversation I was ever going to have with my parents. In short, I tested my theory that “On Truth” had nothing to do with my personal relationships. My theory was shattered. The full account of this will be available on this blog in the weeks to come.

Shortly after that, Colleen and I cut our families out of our life, moved in with one another, and began the (chemotheraputic) process of confronting my past so I could begin to heal from it. I got into therapy and had some very intense sessions where I confronted much of the anger and sadness that had built up over the years of being subject to the tyranny of my family. I am still in therapy and will be until my gut tells me that I am done. I am in therapy for myself, but I am mostly in therapy because I want to create the opportunity for myself to be a great parent in the future and give my children all of the opportunities for freedom that I was never given by my family.

It’s the best decision I have ever made. Since then I have been able to achieve more than I was ever able to in my life. My relationship with Colleen has become deeper and more fulfilling, I am in a job that I enjoy and am making more money in than my previous venture and I have a much greater perspective on my life which brings me a sense of peace that I didn’t have before. Not only that but I have quit binge drinking, smoking pot and generally avoiding the pain in my life. I cannot claim perfect mental health or absolute understanding of my life and what I want, but I can say that I am infinitely more free than I was a year ago. I can not give enough thanks to the FDR community and Stef for helping me get this far. I have cultivated the best friendships of my life on this forum. I particularly want to thank Colleen for being so patient with me through this process. I don’t think I would have made it this far without her and I look forward to many more years of helping each other improve and be free.

Tags: family, freedom, freedomain, philosophy